AN OPEN LETTER TO THE ("BEST") FRIEND THAT BETRAYED ME

TO THE WOMAN THAT BROKE MY HEART:

Someone once wrote, "Maybe some people just aren't meant to be in our lives forever. Maybe some people are just passing through. It's like some people just come through our lives to bring us something: a gift, a blessing, a lesson we need to learn. And that's why they're here. You'll have that lesson forever."

I guess your role in my life was teacher, because boy... did I ever learn a lesson! My heart is a little bit harder because of you. I don't trust the way I did before you. And because of that, I find that there is more sadness in it than there ever was before I met you. All of this, because of you.

Maybe I was just blindly naive. I loved you like family. You were my ride or die... my help-me-drag-a-corpse-across-the-living-room "person". You made me laugh until tears would stream down my face. From road trips to Nashville and camping at the New River to Fleetwood Mac and Susan Tedeschi concerts to 2am Waffle House shenanigans to just vegging by the pool or hanging out on the sofa with Netflix... ~ We {literally} did almost everything together... for almost 3 years. And had GREAT fun doing it! Or at least... I thought we did. Maybe I cherished every minute of our friendship because I'm not quite sure I'd ever had a friend like you before, who was so similar to my free-spirited being.

Out of the 7 days in a week, we were together over half of them. In fact, if we weren't together when we were out... people would always wonder where the other was.

There were hard times that you got me through too. And I'd like to think I did the same for you. I shared my pain with you. I cried on your shoulder.... no, I SOBBED on your shoulder. When things would get out of control with my then-boyfriend, I would come and seek sanctuary and sanctity (and SANITY) with you. You were my "safe" place. He was a hot mess. Together, WE were a hot mess. Some days (maybe most, in the end)... we were a full-fledge fucking shit show. You helped save me from that. You helped give me the strength to rise up and find myself and then later, things... people... that were better for me. Of course you did those things... because you were my "person".

So, tell me... when he and I FINALLY broke up after 8 long years of chaos... what on earth even allowed you think it would be okay for you to attempt to have sex with him less than a month later? This isn't high school and it sure isn't the 60's or 70's when the "free-love" movement was in full effect.

It's sad when the person you shared your pain with becomes a reason for your pain.

Seriously though... what even made you want to do that to our friendship or to me as a person? Because YES. I absolutely took the fact that you couldn't put your hormones on hold for our friendship extremely personally.

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That could be it though... maybe our friendship was just a lie all along. Maybe you were just using ME to get to HIM. There's the saying, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." Was that what you were doing? Maybe we were were simply "frenemies" for those 3 years. 

I trusted you. I trusted IN you. And you broke my heart. I was more upset over losing YOU and our friendship than I was ever was over letting him go. Maybe it's *MY* fault though. Apparently I thought we were better friends than YOU did. 

Years have passed since that happened... almost more than the ones we spent as friends actually (or 'frenemies'... whatever), so deep down I know I should "get over it". I know they say time heals all woulds... but to be honest, it doesn't hurt any less than it did then. Just in a different way.

You betrayed me. Someone I thought was my "person" stabbed me in the back without a single ounce of apology or regret. And truthfully... I can only think of one other time in my life that anyone has ever wounded me so deeply.

If you can't tell, I'm still extremely bitter. Big surprise. And I have no doubt that anyone walking in my shoes wouldn't feel exactly the same. 

I was like a deer in headlights when it happened. To be honest, I expected that situation from him. Not from YOU. It was a heartache that I've never had before and a heartbreak that I never saw coming until right before the end. Even though I held many, many of your deepest, darkest secrets and I knew there were similar situations that you'd been in in the past {since you've always been a self-processed "sex addict"}... I never believed that you would have ever done that to ME. Again... maybe that's my own fault for knowing what you'd done before and being so naive to think that I would be an exception.

What’s funny is that the majority of people who “know” you expected it. They would tell me, “That’s jus how XXXX is. She sees sex differently.” Ummm... yeah, no. While that’s laughable.... it’s still disgusting.  

Although we've never spoken since I reamed you out over the situation after finding out, I know you've told people that it didn't happen... that I've said things with "false pretense". It's not "false pretense" when one our "mutual friends" came to me with a full-on re-enacted dramatization of what her kids, and then she, walked in on at her house. Yes, honey. You did it. So own up to it and take responsibility for your actions. Absolutely the ONLY thing that was "false pretense" was our so-called friendship. 

You were mad because I told people what happened. I definitely wasn't quiet about it and I shouldn't have been. You did me wrong and I called you out. If you were so ashamed of what you did... then you shouldn't have done it. You tried to act innocent and told people I was crazy. Maybe I DID go a little crazy... and you helped to drive me there! And to top it off, you KEPT hanging out with him... even had the nerve to drop him off drunk AF at MY house after you all went to a concert one night. That's just one example of hundreds that I had to ensue until I finally made him move out of the house 5 months later, ridding myself of the madness and torture.

There's a quote that fits well... "You stabbed ME and then pretended YOU were the one bleeding." 

Well, you can save it. While to others you are known as "fun" (and that's agreed on my end... because you are definitely the life of any party...) or "selfless" or "caring"... I know you as the last thing you did to me to me and that will be the last thing that I ever allow you to do to me. 

The fact is you weren't a wonderful friend to me. You sure as hell weren't loyal. The very last thing you were (and who knows, maybe still are) was trustworthy. So-called "friends" don't do what you did. Honestly... I wouldn't leave my boyfriend alone in a room with you for five minutes or all the money in the world. That in itself is a reason I would never be your friend. 

At this point in my life, I have no desire for fake butter, cheese OR friendships. 

Maybe I've felt this hurt so deeply because while I'm extremely extroverted, I'm also an empath. I have humility. I love hard. I'm loyal AF. If I'm sitting down at a table, the person who gets up to go to the bathroom isn't the topic of conversation. 

"I am a woman's woman and a faithful friend. I won't run off with your man. I won't hate you because you're beautiful. I won't put you down. I'll tell you there's lipstick on your teeth. I'll celebrate your successes as my own. I'll keep your secret. I'll fiercely defend you. I'll laugh with you and cry with you. I will tell you hard truths in love. I'll listen to your rants and you tell the same story over and over again. I choose my friends carefully. And if I choose you, I will love you like a sister."

The truth is... I did what you did in high school to my best friend... my soul sister. I kissed her ex-boyfriend after basketball practice one night. When she found out about it, she embarrassed me in front of a hall full of people. So I'm not perfect either. But I also learned my lesson about "girl code" very early on. I was 15... you were 40. In case you're wondering, the unspoken code is that you do not, under any circumstances, kiss a friend's ex. Not a month later. Not a year later.

You know what? It’s been at least 30 years later and THAT girl taught me about being someone's “person”. In that moment in the hall, SHE taught me about love, friendship and LOYALTY... most of all... humility. I thank goodness every day that she is still in my life and closer than a sister to me now. 

But who knows? Maybe I came into life to teach YOU a lesson that should've learned long, long ago. Maybe now you know there are consequences to such actions.

And finally... this (per the White Stripes):

Madeline Albright once said, "There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women."

....